The Arbitrary ChuckJerry

Google Whacking is a game that was discussed by Brian in an earlier post. The basic point is that you have to pick two words that return only one result from a Google search.

Anyhow, I've been moderately intrigued by the idea of whacking Google and I've tried a few times over the course of the last month or so. Every time I thought I had a whack, the page turned out to be a word list. These word list pages suck because they take away what would otherwise be genuine whacks. If you search and you come up with one real page and two word lists, then you're screwed because what might have been a whack is no longer one.

I digress, today I finally got a confirmed Google whack. Since my name is already on the list, I'll say it's ok for me to list it here even though now it will most likely return two results from Google.

My first Google whack is "vivisectional perspicacity". I made a real effort to just think of interesting words and not go looking for odd words or simply take words off the list of existing Google whacks. I tried a combination of a bunch of words, and I was really hoping to find one with the word "perspicacity" in it, so I'm glad I did.

This is not nearly as exciting as all the space I've devoted to it would indicate.

I'm gonna limit my picks to guys from the '80s until today since I'm incapable of including guys from before then as I never saw them play. I realize I'm leaving out a good portion of great players.

First Team
PG-Magic Johnson
SG-Michael Jordan
SF-Larry Bird
PF-Tim Duncan
C-Hakeem Olajuwan

Second Team
PG-Isiah Thomas
SG-Clyde Drexler
SF-Kevin Garnett (really a PF, I guess)
PF-Charles Barkley
C-Shaquille O'Neal

Third Team
PG-Jason Kidd
SG-Reggie Miller
SF-Julius Erving
PF-Karl Malone
C-Kareem Abdul Jabbar

Who am I leaving out?

The NBA All-Bitch Team
PG-John Stockton (dirtiest player ever)
SG-Reggie Miller (second dirtiest player ever-and a whiny bitch to boot)
SF-Tracy McGrady (slightly out of position)
PF-Karl Malone (whiny, whiny bitch)
C-Dikembe Mutombo (if you ask him, he's never committed a foul)

I was intrigued by a post on Daffy's site about the best PG in the league and I got to thinking about the best player ever in the NBA.

The guys who are most talked about are obviously Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain, and Oscar Robertson. I think in recent days there's a consensus that MJ was the best player ever. He was possibly the most talented player and there's no doubt that he worked as hard or harder than all other players to play at the level he did. I can't really comment on Wilt or Oscar, except to say that their numbers were phenomenal.

Wilt was so physically different than everyone else in the league at the time, that he couldn't help but dominate. I don't know that he was the most talented, he was just the biggest, strongest guy by far. I get the feeling without knowing for sure that he had a bigger advantage over the league at the time than even Shaq does now, or even at the height of Shaq's physical ability.

I think I want to make a case that Magic Johnson was the best player ever. Magic was 6'9" and played PG better than most guys in the league at the time. In his rookie year when Kareem got hurt, instead of starting at PG, he started at center and dominated the game in the NBA finals. He played a position he hadn't played at least all season, and probably not in college either, and dominated the game.

When Magic came back out of retirement after the HIV thing, he played at PF for the Lakers. He was out of shape and old and he still played very well. He didn't dominate the league, but he was a good PF.

From the time he entered the league until the time he first retired, Magic was capable of playing literally any position at an all-star level. He played PG because he knew the game on an instinctive level better than anyone else on the floor. He had the best vision, and the best feel for the offense and the defense. He did things that no one even thought of, like throwing the ball to the opposite side of the court where no one was so the time would run out.

Magic could have played PF next to Kareem and scored 40 points a night if he wanted to. He could have stood at the perimeter and shot 3s if he wanted to. He could have slashed through the lane and scored like Marbury or Iverson do today. He could have done all of those things, but he knew exactly what he needed to do for his team to win, and that's what he did.

Obviously we think of Magic as one of the best players ever, but he's never talked about as THE best. I think it's because Magic is always linked with Larry Bird, who was similarly great, but not as physically talented as Magic. If they didn't have that natural connection, then I think people would think of Magic in the same breath as MJ and the like.

When people talk about the best PGs ever, also they don't talk about Magic right away. The best pure PGs I know of were Isiah Thomas, John Stockton, Jason Kidd, and possibly Gary Payton but only for a year or two. Magic played on a level that was way above what these guys could even think of doing. Isiah was the only one of these guys who could score at will and take over a game, but Isiah was limited by his height.

I think Magic is my choice for best player ever. You could make an argument for Michael Jordan that is equally convincing, so I don't think there is a resolution if you happen to disagree. I just think that Magic was undoubtedly the most versatile player to ever play, possibly the most talented player to ever play, and also possibly had a feel for the game better than any player to ever play.

Jordan was definitely unstoppable when he made his mind up, but again I think he was limited by his size, whereas Magic could do anything he wanted to do on the court, so that made him that much more dangerous.

If you were starting a team to play for several seasons and you could pick guys who would always be in their prime, who would you choose? I think it comes down to two guys, Magic and Michael. I would personally choose Magic, though it's really a can't lose type of pick. Wilt could be evenly matched in today's league by Shaq or Olajuwan or Ewing (not today's league, but you know what I mean) or maybe even Duncan.

Anyway, I've thought it through and Magic is my man. Clearly some will disagree, but I'm interested in everyone's thoughts. Maybe I'll do a separate post about the best guys at each position.

In any other year, the Mets off season moves would make them the favorite for the NL East before they found some way to blow it. This year, however, they don't have to blow it, because every other team got much better as well.

The Marlins signed Carlos Delgado and now have a core built around him, Paul LoDuca, Alex Gonzalez, Mike Lowell, Juan Pierre, and a solid pitching staff including Josh Beckett and Al Leiter, who's good for 10-12 wins if healthy.

The Braves added to their pitching staff Tim Hudson, Eric Milton, Ramon Ortiz and David Weathers. Hudson and Milton are both very good and their pitching staff borders on unreal. They also added Joe Randa to play third base who is solid.

Even the Washington Nationals added some good guys. They acquired Christian Guzman, Vinny Castilla, Jose Guillen, and Wil Cordero. They probably won't be a factor this year, but they are significantly improved as well.

I'd like to say the Mets are going to genuinely compete, but I can't say for sure. The Mets have a habit of being better on paper than they actually play, but certainly they are much improved. You could argue that even though there was all this movement in the division, the Mets made the most improvements in their team. I guess we'll see what happens.

So the Mets missed out on Carlos Delgado today, who signed with the Marlins for $52 million over 4 years. I know some Mets fans are gonna be bummed about this, but I think this is a bit of good fortune.

Now, Delgado has been in the league for 12 years and I was surprised to find out that he's only 32 years old when I figured he was 4 or 5 years older than that, so his age I wasn't the factor I thought it was.

On the other hand, many people voiced concerns about his contribution to the clubhouse. He's not a negative guy, per se, but people say that he leads by example and not with his words. He's supposed to be an aloof guy who doesn't add much off of the field. That's not necessarily bad, but I don't think that would go over too well in New York. I heard an interview with the Toronto GM where he was asked what Delgado would bring to his potential new team in terms of leadership and the guy surprised the interviewer when he said that he would essentially bring nothing. Also his HR numbers would go down in Shea stadium, though his RBIs would probably stay the same.

On the positive side, this opens the door for the Mets to make a play for Doug Mientkiewicz with Boston. Apparently they have already been in contact with Boston with not much success at all, but now they have an incentive to do it. I'd like to see a Mientkiewicz for Floyd or Cameron, though I don't know if the Sox are interested in another outfielder. I don't know who else they have to offer for him, but they would definitely get him for not much. He's not wanted or needed in Boston, though I think he's a character guy and would be a great addition to the team. He hasn't hit for the last two seasons, though three years ago you couldn't get him out. He's solid defensively, and he might hit. I'd love to see him on the team.

So in one of my classes the other day, I was reviewing for a test we were having the next day and most of the students were listening. One of my students, however, was clearly not listening. In fact, she was sitting at her desk writing a note to her friend with a pacifier in her mouth.

I stopped and said to her, "You know, Freud would have a field day with you." She clearly had no idea what I was talking about and so I asked the rest of the class if any of them had heard of Sigmund Freud. None of them had.

I briefly explained that he is considered to be the first psychoanalyst and that he had a theory that we all go through developmental stages. One of the stages is the oral stage and another stage is the anal stage and in order to be a fully developed person you have to move through all of these stages. If you haven't developed properly then you get stuck in one of the stages, and end up with a fixation of sorts.

I was met with blank stares, except for the one's who were laughing like Beavis and Butthead saying, "heh heh, you said anal. Heh heh, she's definitely stuck in the oral stage, mista."

Then one of the students says, "So this Freud, is he the school psychologist?" At this point I realized that this teachable moment was perhaps a little above their heads. I replied, "No, he was from the 1800s. He was considered the first psychologist," and then I dropped the subject to continue the review.

This reminds me of a joke Robin Williams told at the Golden Globes the other day: "You know what Freud says. If it's not one thing, it's your mother." I guess that joke goes over better out loud.

In response to a question by Max in the comments somewhere, I'm trying to think of some presidential hopefuls for 2008.

On the Democratic side, I'd have to say that the people who come to mind are Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Howard Dean. I suppose Kerry could run again, as well. Clearly there will be more people in the fray once the time comes. I think it would be a mistake for Barack Obama to run, but that could change in four years, too.

On the Republican side, I don't know that there's one guy who's jumping out at me. I would have said Tom Ridge a month or two ago. I could see Rudy Giuliani running, but I don't know how much support he'd have across the country. I'd like to see John McCain run, because even though I don't agree with him on everything, I at least believe him when he talks. Condoleeza Rice, anyone?

I was listening to Howard Stern a couple days ago while they were talking about the porn industry awards. They had some clips from the event and such. The best moment was when they were announcing the category of "best anal scene". The title of one of the nominees was "Weapons of Ass Destruction". I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. I laughed for about 3 minutes straight.

Let's see if we can't remember some other great titles of porn movies. Whether they exist or not, they're still funny. List some good ones in the comments.

I'll start with a couple off the top of my head:
"Good Will Humping"
"American Booty"
"Jurassic Pork"
"Star Whores"
"The Firm"

Barack Obama is a good name. You can do lots of things with it. The title of this post is my current favorite and it should be sung to the tune of the techno type song that is probably by fatboy slim or someone like that. You know that song that goes "Stop the rock, can't stop the rock you can't, stop the rock...."

Also you could say things like "He's Barack-ing my world", which was originally from a Will and Grace episode. How about "Keep on Baracking in the free world"? Anyway, we could go on like this forever.

Barack Obama was on Oprah today. I don't generally watch Oprah, but she's got some interesting shows. For Christmas, Kathy got us a DVR cable box, which is essentially a cable box with a Tivo in it, only it's not Tivo, but the same thing, kindof like any tissue can be called a Kleenex. Anyhow, Kathy tapes Oprah every day, and today she had Barack on.

That man is ridiculously well spoken. It's not like the Chris Rock joke where people say Colin Powell speaks so well and it's like it's unexpected because he's black. Barack is way more engaging than the average guy. I'm not ready to pronounce him the savior of the Democratic party or anything like that, but when my man talks, I listen. He reminds me of Bill Clinton in that respect, though it's a different type of engaging. Clinton talks like he's your friend, and Obama talks like he knows everything there is to know about everything and if you listen long enough, then you will too.

Give it up for mixed race people.

Related question: Why is there only one black senator? There are one hundred senators and only 1/2 a black person. Until there are more black senators, there ain't never gonna be a black president. Write that shit down. Barack could single-handedly capture Osama bin Laden and balance the budget and that negro would still not get elected president.

Hopefully by the time I'm 35, America will be ready to elect a 1/2 black and 1/2 Jewish guy, because I'm running. We'd better hope for one all black guy, or one all Jewish guy first.

Another related question: Is Joe Lieberman the best the Jews could do? Of all the powerful Jews in this country, Joe Lieberman is currently the most prominent political figure? My clothes hamper has more personality than him.

Last related question: If Oprah ran for president, do you think she would win? I think she would have a fighting chance, in all honesty.

I don't think I've put this story down in the blog yet, so I figured I would relay it. It's moderately short.

Last year, my first year, when I didn't have any clue how to keep control of a full class who didn't especially want to listen, a lot of my students would just kindof waste a lot of their time in class either zoning out or talking. Some of them were audacious enough to talk across the entire room to their friends.

One such student would zone out until she realized that she had something to say across the room, and at least once a week, no matter what was going on in class, she would shout out, "Yo, nigga," to which her friend had no trouble responding to. This was pretty funny to me, and since they don't seem to mind being debased by each other, I didn't respond much differently than if she had simply yelled her friend's name out. Interesting side note, both of the students were Hispanic, by the way.

I'm generally pretty hard to get a rise out of, but the few times that students have inadvertently called me "nigga" I have not been especially nice to them, nor have I been quick to accept their apologies, which are always profuse when they realize I'm actually mad at them. Disgusting word, it is.

I play basketball in the winter league at the Teaneck Jewish center. My team started the season 0-3 and we lacked chemistry and communication. We have won our last two games, however, and we have looked great doing it. Today we won 100-61 in an impressive victory. Apparently we were the first team to ever score 100 points in the Jewish center league.

Unfortunately we had Evan go down with an ankle injury and he'll most likely miss the rest of the season. That was a big blow to us last week when he was carted off in the middle of the game.

Anyway, I'll bet about four people are interested in the status of my Jew Ball team, but I feel like we're really turning a corner. Next week we go up against the only undefeated team in the league, so I guess we'll see how far we've progressed.

Incidentally, our leading scorer and team leader is a guy named Christian. It seems blatantly inappropriate to have a guy named Christian on your Jewish center team, but no one seems to mind.

A lady in Michigan was arrested for a DUI because she had consumed three glasses of Listerine. According to the manufacturer, Listerine contains 26.9% alcohol. That's some ill shiznit. That's about 5 times the alcohol of a normal beer.

You could get hammered on that stuff and have the minty fresh breath to avoid suspicion of being drunk. Also it must cost less than the average bottle of rum or vodka. At the same time, no one is going to try and card you for buying Listerine.

It's probably not all that healthy to drink Listerine, but it's a heck of an idea.

The Yankees finally completed their fetishistic trade today and introduced Randy Johnson as the new cornerstone of their pitching rotation. The best thing ever was that yesterday he essentially attacked a cameraman who was following him in the street and the front cover of the New York Post today was a picture of him from that confrontation with the headline "Big Jerk". I still do not understand this trade, but perhaps that's why I'm not a baseball GM. Of course, Steinbrenner is not a baseball GM either, and in the times he has acted like one, he's made some bad moves (Kenny Lofton, anyone?).

The Mets, on the other hand, made a move that brings their front office back to credibility by signing Carlos Beltran. Steve Phillips in his final days as GM of the Mets was a joke. The combination of Phillips and Fred Wilpon, the owner, was like a penny pinching Jewish grandmother who's still living in the depression running the team. I think Wilpon realized that he needed to make a splash this year if he's to build his Mets cable network and that money would have to be spent in order to do it. Wilpon is paying upwards of $52 million just to get out of his current TV contract before he can even think about the costs required to start the network.

He started by bringing on Omar Minaya as the president and GM who's widely recognized as a talented baseball scout and administrator (and who, incidentally, graduated from Newtown High School in Elmhurst, Queens, where I teach). Minaya then managed to convince not only the owner to sign guys, but also the two top available free agents to sign with the team. There's no question that Pedro Martinez was the biggest pitcher available and that Beltran was the best position player available heading into the off season and the Mets signed them both. That is downright astounding for a club that was basically a laughing stock last year.

Would that it were a year earlier that Wilpon signed Minaya who would have undoubtedly gone out of his way to sign the best Dominican player on earth, Vladimir Guerrero. But alack, Beltran and Pedro is nothing to sneeze at. (Note the Shakespearian influence.) I would not be surprised if the Mets made another relatively big signing before this off season is over. Perhaps a Carlos Delgado, which might be a mistake, by the way, or another big type name.

I'm still giving an outside shot at the Mets making some sort of trade for Manny Ramirez. Unlikely? Yes. Out of the realm of possibility? No. Chemistry killer? Almost certainly.

I know one thing, Willie Randolph is gonna have his hands full in his first year as a manager. With this team he is either going to sink or swim. They are talented and if he makes them believe and they have some early success, then I can envision them winning the division even over the Braves, but if the chemistry is wrong, then I can see them going downhill fast with Pedro's outlandish behavior leading the way.

Here's the current lineup. Let's assume all these guys play to their potential and stay healthy for the time being (side note, we can more or less guarantee that this ideal scenario will not pan out).

1. Jose Reyes - as Shortstop, by the way
2. Kaz Matsui - as 2B
3. Carlos Beltran
4. Mike Piazza
5. David Wright
6. Cliff Floyd
7. Mike Cameron
8. Jason Phillips?
9. Pedro, Glavine, Benson, Trachsel, Zambrano

If Kaz sucks, drop him down to 7, put Wright in at 2, and Floyd and Cameron each move up a spot. That's a pretty sick lineup. It's not quite the Yankees or Cardinals, but it's sick nonetheless.

The Nets announced today that Richard Jefferson would be out for the season with a wrist injury that will require surgery and 4 months of rehab. This is moderately devastating on several levels for me.

First, I have RJ on my fantasy basketball team and he is a consistent performer. This will undoubtedly change my strategy moving forward. My team is forward heavy, so I guess I'll drop him and pick up a guard, but I'm certainly not going to equal his production in any way. I was just starting to turn my team around, too.

Second, I am a fringe Nets fan and I like to see them win for the most part. I think that they were finally on the path to gelling between Jefferson, Kidd, and Carter and would have made a significant jump in their deplorable conference. This is great for Vince Carter fans (and fantasy owners), since he will be the main recipient of Kidd's greatness, but it's bad for the team as a whole who loses the one guy who's been consistently reliable over the past two seasons.

William Devane is talking to his son about the son protesting some missile contractor and he says:

"Don't give me that 6th grade Michael Moore logic."

That about sums it up.

This is a Joe type post, but this is great. These two dudes are pillow fighting and then the one dude gets hit so hard that he starts crying like a little baby.

This is the one of the goddamn funniest things I've ever seen.

My homeboy Matt Guiney has a new blog. You should definitely read it. Matt's a great story teller and a great opinion giver, so this will be interesting fare.

One of the popular searches in my friendster network was hip-hop name generators, for some reason. There are actually many of them out there. Two of my favorites follow.

According to Player Appreciate, my pimp name is "President Jerry Shmoove". This is cool because I had a job once where everyone had a nickname, and mine was "J-Smoove", similar to this one.

According to The WuName Generator, my WuName is "Action-Packed Mentalist". This is a good one just because I like the idea of being a mentalist, and an action-packed one at that.

Anyhow, you can start calling me either of these from now on.

Something interesting about a lot of these name generators is that they always give you the same name if you type in your name the same every time. If you don't like the name you get, then you can't change it by hitting submit again. That's fairly interesting. Some of them change every time you submit, but it seems like most of them don't. I wonder which is harder to code. I would think the never changing name is harder, since to change it every time only involves having some standard adjectives and a random number generator and then it throws your name in there somewhere. I don't really know, though, just guessing.

Congrats to MMG for getting engaged. I knew you would make an honest woman out of her one day. Also I know that uncle Cletus is just thrilled pink.